Hours In The Day

I tend to have a lot going on in my life.  Before I had a tiny human who depended on me for everything, I was working a full-time job, a part-time job, and had two more or less full-time volunteer gigs going on.  It was nuts, but I loved it.  

So when I decided to study for the bar exam on top of working full-time and taking care of a newborn, I figured I could handle that.  And my first step was to find some hours in my day in which I could study.  Surprisingly, there was a lot of time that I could use over the course of a day.  If I studied while pumping, over my lunch break, and for two hours every night after the tiny human went to sleep, I could cram in between 3.5 and 4 hours of studying every day.  Which is freakin' nuts.  

Of course, those hours are only really helpful if you can sustain that kind of constant, intense, never-ending activity over a fairly lengthy period of time.  I'm sure that there was a point in my life at whch I could handle that level of intense.  In fact, I think that point in my life was probably within the last five years.  But recently?  Not so much.

What's really lame, though, is that sustaining that level of intensity is not the biggest problem.  The problem is how guilty I feel when I don't put in that amount of time.  See, once I realize those hours exist, I feel obligated to use them in as productive and efficient a manner as possible.  And if I don't, then it's a source of massive guilt.  Even if I use some of that time to be productive, and then just crash because I'm frickin' exhausted, that doesn't feel good enough.  I have to squeeze blood from the stone or it's just not enough.

Which is why I'm sitting here, at almost 10:00pm, way past my bedtime, still worrying about whether or not I've been productive enough today.  I don't even have to study for the bar exam anymore, but I know those hours are there.  I know I can use them if I just have the energy.  And if I don't have the energy, it's obviously because I'm not eating healthy enough food, or I'm not getting enough exercise, or I'm not doing something else that I logically should be doing for the benefit of myself, my family, and humanity.  Right?  

So here's the question, friends.  Why can't I give myself a break?  I know how smart I am.  I know how successful I am, despite all the setbacks I've had a screwups I've made.  I am really flippin' well off in life.  So why can't I chill out about those 3-4 stupid hours?

I'm sure the answer is out there somewhere.  But for now, I'm going to call this blog entry a win and sleep until the tiny human decides it's time for a midnight snack.  Or at least the first of his midnight snacks.  

Sigh.

Take care, and I'll write again soon!