I'm not sure why I did it. Maybe because the Olympics are on? Maybe because I just finished Scott Jurek's book and wanted to see how far I could push myself? Maybe just because I'm sick and tired of feeling like a bit of a failure?
Whatever the reason, this morning I did something amazing. I really want to add qualifiers to that sentence, like "something amazing for me" or "you know, unless you're a real athlete." But that shit is silly. This morning, I hit it out of the fucking park.
My goal pace for the marathon is 12 min/mile. So I had been running all of my runs at that pace. In large part, I was doing this because I thought it was all I could do. I kept thinking that I had to take it easy because I'm fat and out of shape and lazy and there's no way I can go faster, at least not before the marathon.
And maybe (probably) come race day, my pace will be 12 min/mile. But today I rocked that. Every mile I ran was under 12:00.
Mile 1 - 11:08
Mile 2 - 11:26
Mile 3 - 11:05
Mile 4 - 10:32
HOLY SHIT. I have not been that fast in a long time. Like, a really long time. I think 1L was the last time I could run that fast or faster.
I did it because I started this run assuming I could. Still, I tried to stop myself. I said I would just jog the first half of a mile. When I turned the corner at my half-mile point, I kept jogging. I kind of thought at that point that I would do the whole thing, but I was still trying to rein it in. I said I'd just do the first mile. Then I hit the turn-around at one mile in and I was still jogging. That's when I knew that I was going to jog the whole four miles.
It wasn't exciting at the time, it was simply how it was going to go. It was utterly calm. It was only when I finished that I was pumping my fist in the air and raising my Powerade in a little salute to myself.
I'm kind of glad nobody was here to see me finish, because I cried a little bit. It just felt so good to know I could do that. I couldn't help it.
To be perfectly honest, this is the best thing that has happened to me in months. I'm still kind of crying a bit.
So to my brain, the great doubter, the mocking asshole telling me I can't, and to a lifetime of self-hatred and frustration, I would like to say, "Go fuck yourself." It's the little moments like this when I can finally ball up all the negative shit I carry around and flip it off.
It's awesome. But for now, farewell! I'll write again soon.
Meowfully yours,
Marley
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
In Forma Pauperis
Before becoming unemployed, I laughed when people told jokes about the waste and stupidity in government. Tee hee, how funny that we're ruled by the monkeys who were smart enough to escape the zoo! Working in the State's Attorney's Office, though, I was really only involved with government employees who were hard-working and, for the most part, pretty damn intelligent.
Then I became unemployed, and the government jokes became a much more morbid kind of humor.
When you're unemployed, you have to get a bunch of information to the Illinois Department of Employment Security. The main way to do this is by applying online. That's where the problems start. The application tries to be helpful, with little question mark links next to all the words that might be confusing. There are a lot of question marks. However, clicking these links does not take you to a definition, or even an FAQ page. It just opens a new tab that goes right back to the IDES website homepage. If I had hope left for government, I would say this was intentional, and you are supposed to use the little search box at the top of the page to find the definition yourself. But the search feature isn't very good, and I don't think even the government is stupid enough to think that all people are smart enough to do that.
Then, after you apply online, if there are any questions about your application, they have to get in touch with you. They do not do this through email. They do this by sending a letter to your house. One letter for every issue that comes up in your application. So if you have three issues, or contests (which I did), then you will get three letters. Only it's not just one letter saying, "Hey, we need to talk to you about something." They also send you a separate letter that contains a survey. This survey tells you to fill it out and send it in to IDES, where it will help them figure out your issue. Only that's a lie, because the survey is just a repeat of information you've already given IDES in the online application. I'm serious. It's a printout of the questions you answered online. No fucking joke.
Not only is the paper survey redundant, it's moot. It's useless. Because if you have an issue with IDES, they will send you YET ANOTHER LETTER letting you know that they will call you at a particular time. That's right. Don't call them, they'll call you. And if you send them those surveys, all nice and filled out, they don't give a shit about them because they're already scheduled to call you and talk to you in person. So you didn't have to take the time to fill out those surveys and send them in. Even if you did, it doesn't actually make any difference or help you in any way whatsoever because they do not look at them. The lovely caller lady I talked to in my first call said she didn't even know I had returned the surveys. And for fun, just to add insult to injury, the letters do not come with return envelopes. That's right, you have to supply both the return envelope and the return postage. Seriously? Wow.
Thank you, IDES, for killing an entire forest for no good god damn reason. You fucking wastes of oxygen and humanity.
And now, you've reached the point where the fun STARTS. Let's look at the academic employment issue. Because I worked for Kaplan (test prep company) for about one month, they refused to give me benefits until they had verified that I was not a teacher requesting unemployment during the summer break. I filled out my survey and sent it in (I didn't know any better at the time), then completed a phone call, and then got a letter saying that the issue was cleared.
So I had gone through the process and fixed the problem.
Then I got the same letter again.
This time, I did not fill out the survey. I waited for them to call me. To be fair, I was already kind of mad when they called, so I picked up the phone and identified both myself and where the call was coming from and told them I was prepared for my interview. This left the person who called me speechless for a few minutes. I guess when you expect stupidity and get angry intelligence, it kind of throws you. She repeated what I had already told her, about the call being scheduled to clear up the academic contest. I then told her that the call had been misscheduled, as the issue was already cleared and the call was not necessary.
She then told me I was wrong.
That is not a good idea. It is really not a good idea. That is a Bad Thing, and you should not do it. It is so far from being a Good Thing, or a Correct Thing, or even a Helpful Thing, that I doubt this particular idea even knows what a Good Thing, Correct Thing, or Helpful Thing is.
. . .
DO NOT TELL ME I AM WRONG YOU WORTHLESS LITTLE EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING, BECAUSE I AM CORRECT AND I AM ALREADY PISSED OFF AND THIS IS NOT HELPING. V E R Y B A D I D E A.
Etc.
. . .
Of course, I hit mute on my phone and screamed all of my obscenities while she was double checking my information in her computer. It took long enough that I was almost out of my favorite choice combinations of four letter words by the time she came back. Then she told me that the call was not necessary, that it had been misscheduled, and she apologized for wasting my time.
I hung up. I punched the wall. My hand hurts, but it made me feel a bit better.
But hey, look at the bright side! Thanks to the supreme idiocy of the IDES, you lovely folks get to suffer through two journal entries in one day! How delightful!
But for now, I'm going to peace out and try to find something intelligent to make me feel better.
Meowfully yours,
Marley
Then I became unemployed, and the government jokes became a much more morbid kind of humor.
When you're unemployed, you have to get a bunch of information to the Illinois Department of Employment Security. The main way to do this is by applying online. That's where the problems start. The application tries to be helpful, with little question mark links next to all the words that might be confusing. There are a lot of question marks. However, clicking these links does not take you to a definition, or even an FAQ page. It just opens a new tab that goes right back to the IDES website homepage. If I had hope left for government, I would say this was intentional, and you are supposed to use the little search box at the top of the page to find the definition yourself. But the search feature isn't very good, and I don't think even the government is stupid enough to think that all people are smart enough to do that.
Then, after you apply online, if there are any questions about your application, they have to get in touch with you. They do not do this through email. They do this by sending a letter to your house. One letter for every issue that comes up in your application. So if you have three issues, or contests (which I did), then you will get three letters. Only it's not just one letter saying, "Hey, we need to talk to you about something." They also send you a separate letter that contains a survey. This survey tells you to fill it out and send it in to IDES, where it will help them figure out your issue. Only that's a lie, because the survey is just a repeat of information you've already given IDES in the online application. I'm serious. It's a printout of the questions you answered online. No fucking joke.
Not only is the paper survey redundant, it's moot. It's useless. Because if you have an issue with IDES, they will send you YET ANOTHER LETTER letting you know that they will call you at a particular time. That's right. Don't call them, they'll call you. And if you send them those surveys, all nice and filled out, they don't give a shit about them because they're already scheduled to call you and talk to you in person. So you didn't have to take the time to fill out those surveys and send them in. Even if you did, it doesn't actually make any difference or help you in any way whatsoever because they do not look at them. The lovely caller lady I talked to in my first call said she didn't even know I had returned the surveys. And for fun, just to add insult to injury, the letters do not come with return envelopes. That's right, you have to supply both the return envelope and the return postage. Seriously? Wow.
Thank you, IDES, for killing an entire forest for no good god damn reason. You fucking wastes of oxygen and humanity.
And now, you've reached the point where the fun STARTS. Let's look at the academic employment issue. Because I worked for Kaplan (test prep company) for about one month, they refused to give me benefits until they had verified that I was not a teacher requesting unemployment during the summer break. I filled out my survey and sent it in (I didn't know any better at the time), then completed a phone call, and then got a letter saying that the issue was cleared.
So I had gone through the process and fixed the problem.
Then I got the same letter again.
This time, I did not fill out the survey. I waited for them to call me. To be fair, I was already kind of mad when they called, so I picked up the phone and identified both myself and where the call was coming from and told them I was prepared for my interview. This left the person who called me speechless for a few minutes. I guess when you expect stupidity and get angry intelligence, it kind of throws you. She repeated what I had already told her, about the call being scheduled to clear up the academic contest. I then told her that the call had been misscheduled, as the issue was already cleared and the call was not necessary.
She then told me I was wrong.
That is not a good idea. It is really not a good idea. That is a Bad Thing, and you should not do it. It is so far from being a Good Thing, or a Correct Thing, or even a Helpful Thing, that I doubt this particular idea even knows what a Good Thing, Correct Thing, or Helpful Thing is.
. . .
DO NOT TELL ME I AM WRONG YOU WORTHLESS LITTLE EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING, BECAUSE I AM CORRECT AND I AM ALREADY PISSED OFF AND THIS IS NOT HELPING. V E R Y B A D I D E A.
Etc.
. . .
Of course, I hit mute on my phone and screamed all of my obscenities while she was double checking my information in her computer. It took long enough that I was almost out of my favorite choice combinations of four letter words by the time she came back. Then she told me that the call was not necessary, that it had been misscheduled, and she apologized for wasting my time.
I hung up. I punched the wall. My hand hurts, but it made me feel a bit better.
But hey, look at the bright side! Thanks to the supreme idiocy of the IDES, you lovely folks get to suffer through two journal entries in one day! How delightful!
But for now, I'm going to peace out and try to find something intelligent to make me feel better.
Meowfully yours,
Marley
The Flip
Today, I reached a very cool point in my marathon training. It's what I call the flip, and I think people often don't notice when it happens. Or, if they notice, they don't make near as big a deal out of it as I do.
When I started marathon training, my longest run was 6 miles. That was the big kahuna for the week. Today, my midweek run is 6 miles. My long run has officially become just another number in midweek mileage.
THAT. IS. AWESOME.
Congratulations, me! You've taken a number that was once a feat (for me, at least) of endurance and determination and grown so far past it, that it is now just another blip of the midweek grind. Seriously, that's cool.
And this point is what I call The Flip. It's when you reach a change not only in your mileage, but in your perspective. My long run this past weekend was 15 miles. I ran 2 miles on my own, then ran a half marathon. At the end of it all I thought, "On race day, I'll only have 11 more miles to go!" I mean, yeah, technically it's 11.1. Which is a fun number in and of itself. But still, when I can run 15 miles and then be okay at the thought of someday soon tacking another 11 miles onto that, it is the point where enough things are burnt away and enough other things are rebuilt in your brain that this is a normal thought.
That is also awesome, in that broken down and rebuilt way that always seems creepy from the outside. Anytime you meet someone who is really dedicated to something, in the way that people are supposed to love their spouses and their children, it will always seem weird to you. Unless you are also initiated in the magic and delight of the particular obsession. It happens with everything from running to anime to the Oxford English Dictionary.
I'm proud to say that I have been immersed in some of the various festivals, conventions, and celebrations that mark high points in various obsessive worlds, and I can say without hesitation that I have enjoyed them all. It's amazing to walk around and know that every person you see, almost without exception, has a 97% chance of being totally ecstatic just because they are where they are. Look at photos from ACen, or Comic-Con, or the expo at any major distance event. These people are delighted because they made it. They're there. It's either happening or guaranteed to happen so soon you can taste it.
For real, that is magic.
And I tend to think of that, and remember the times I have experienced it, when I see a flip in my training, or even in a particular race. Any time I notice that my thinking has been rearranged to work better, or keep me more motivated, for a particular type of work or activity, it makes me grin. Even if it happens at the 4.5 mile mark on a 6 mile run, when I feel like falling over because I have definitely not hydrated enough.
But, whatever. Forget my achy legs and my dripping sweat. It's the flip.
That's all for now, friends. Take care!
Meowfully yours,
Marley
When I started marathon training, my longest run was 6 miles. That was the big kahuna for the week. Today, my midweek run is 6 miles. My long run has officially become just another number in midweek mileage.
THAT. IS. AWESOME.
Congratulations, me! You've taken a number that was once a feat (for me, at least) of endurance and determination and grown so far past it, that it is now just another blip of the midweek grind. Seriously, that's cool.
And this point is what I call The Flip. It's when you reach a change not only in your mileage, but in your perspective. My long run this past weekend was 15 miles. I ran 2 miles on my own, then ran a half marathon. At the end of it all I thought, "On race day, I'll only have 11 more miles to go!" I mean, yeah, technically it's 11.1. Which is a fun number in and of itself. But still, when I can run 15 miles and then be okay at the thought of someday soon tacking another 11 miles onto that, it is the point where enough things are burnt away and enough other things are rebuilt in your brain that this is a normal thought.
That is also awesome, in that broken down and rebuilt way that always seems creepy from the outside. Anytime you meet someone who is really dedicated to something, in the way that people are supposed to love their spouses and their children, it will always seem weird to you. Unless you are also initiated in the magic and delight of the particular obsession. It happens with everything from running to anime to the Oxford English Dictionary.
I'm proud to say that I have been immersed in some of the various festivals, conventions, and celebrations that mark high points in various obsessive worlds, and I can say without hesitation that I have enjoyed them all. It's amazing to walk around and know that every person you see, almost without exception, has a 97% chance of being totally ecstatic just because they are where they are. Look at photos from ACen, or Comic-Con, or the expo at any major distance event. These people are delighted because they made it. They're there. It's either happening or guaranteed to happen so soon you can taste it.
For real, that is magic.
And I tend to think of that, and remember the times I have experienced it, when I see a flip in my training, or even in a particular race. Any time I notice that my thinking has been rearranged to work better, or keep me more motivated, for a particular type of work or activity, it makes me grin. Even if it happens at the 4.5 mile mark on a 6 mile run, when I feel like falling over because I have definitely not hydrated enough.
But, whatever. Forget my achy legs and my dripping sweat. It's the flip.
That's all for now, friends. Take care!
Meowfully yours,
Marley
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