I suppose that's a polite way of putting it. As my first interruption in consistency, I should apologize to all (five?) of you who read these posts for my recent absence.
To explain that break in posting, I will let you know that I recently lost my job. Something like this has never happened to me before, and although it was done very nicely, I believe I'm still trying to really wrap my head around it. I get up at the same time, I run when it's a run day, and then I have a blank slate. That sounds delightful, but it's actually just draining. Without the structure of work and obligation, I have been finding it difficult to know what to do with myself. So I spend an unsettlingly large amount of time just wandering, both literally and mentally. It is weird and bizarre and has not been sitting well with me.
I have still been running, though. I find that I enjoy my run days even more, because I know that for at least the first few hours that I'm awake, I know what I will be doing. I hit snooze once or twice and then roll out of bed. I put on whatever running clothes are on top in the drawer. I double check my schedule to make sure I have my mileage right, and then I set out. While I'm running, I don't think about much except my 4/1 walk/run pattern, my breathing, and trying to keep my core tight. When I'm done, I down some Powerade zero, and then cook breakfast. Breakfast on run days is scrambled eggs with veggies and two slices of buttered toast, plus as much water as I can get myself to drink. Then I sync all my gadgets, make a few notes on the running sites to remember what I learned from my run, and it's off to the showers to clean up.
But once I'm dressed and clean, it's like I fall off track. I lose direction entirely. The first few days after it happened were different. I was reacting to it, trying to get a bunch of immediately necessary ducks in a row, and I had something of a purpose. And now that the initial emergency is over, that is what I lack. I lack purpose. I try to go to the library every day, but I often just do it for the walk and to get out of the house. I watch movies. Sometimes I knit, or contemplate starting a sewing project. But everything feels piecemeal, like I'm throwing a life together from whatever bits and scraps blow past in the wind. My brain is constantly flying all over the place, leaping from one stray thought to the next and it's hard to keep up. I've taken to napping during the really hot parts of the afternoon, but I think that's affecting my sleep schedule in the evenings and I don't like it.
In sum, I feel lost. It's also been difficult not to be super hard on myself and feel more or less worthless because of what happened. Enough people have told me that would be an incorrect reaction that I can assume they are correct. But it doesn't stop me from feeling like that fairly regularly. And without a real structure in which to place myself, without some sort of external goal to work towards, I feel there's not much to keep me from sinking into that far more often than I would like.
I've never been much good at internal motivation. I rely upon external goals and rewards to both motivate and value myself. That is a terrible way to be, but somehow that's how I turned out.
So, after dumping all that on you, I don't really have anything to follow it up with. I am trying to put together a plan, a schedule, but that feels kind of ridiculous to me. So instead I'm launching job applications at a crazy rate, and trying to put together some kind of list of amusements that I can go to in order to keep myself from going insane.
And through all this, my running continues. I have to do 10 this weekend, which I think should go well. I'm just modifying my 8 mile route from last weekend a bit to get it done, so that should work nicely. If I head out as early as I think I will (5:00am), then I should beat the really bad heat that will come later. It will still be mid to upper 70s while I'm out there, but that's manageable, especially with the amount of water I drag with me on runs. I do need to stock up on my preferred running fuel (Gu Chomps) before tomorrow, but that shouldn't be a problem.
If you can find a moment, wish me luck. With everything. I have a feeling I'm going to need it before too long.
Meowfully yours,
Marley
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