Yup, Failed the Bar Exam. And?

On Wednesday I got my results from the Bar Exam.  I did not pass.  I needed a scaled score of 675 to pass, and I got 667.  So close, which kind of makes it suck even more.  Sadly, I was sort of expecting that result.  It was not the fault of my bar study program, or any lack of desire on my part to pass.  It was more the fact that I was trying to study while dealing with a full-time job, and a baby who decided not to sleep through the night, and also still doing all my every-people stuff, like getting groceries and cooking dinner and doing laundry and every once in a while thinking about cleaning some part of my house.

At the end of the day, for what may be the first time ever, I had simply bitten off more than I could chew.  That was a new thing for me.  And, of course, it now leads me to the question of what I should do next.  By which I mean, do I retake the Bar Exam?

I've actually been thinking about it far more than I thought I would.  Mostly because of a conversation I had with Paul a week or so ago.  He asked me, in a throw-away question kind of way, how long I wanted to be a stay at home mom.  It wasn't a conversation of any particular depth, just one of many rushed moments when we could talk to each other without the baby awake.  Neither of us appreciates those enough or works hard enough at cultivating them.  I didn't think too much of the question right then and there.

Maybe an hour later, though, I thought of it again.  Since then it's been rattling around in my head and I can't get it out.  Because I don't know the answer.  Trying to figure out how long I want to be a stay at home mom is like asking me to write out a detailed plan for "What I Want To Do With The Rest Of My Life", in 5 pages or less.  Single spaced, with size 12 Times New Roman font.  It's kind of an impossible question to answer, but here I am with my brain all abuzz trying to do just that.

Before I can even start on an answer to the question that was actually asked, there are several equally difficult preliminary questions that must be answered.  How many kids do we want to have?  What kind of career am I really interested in pursuing?  Can I handle the bizarre guilt I feel at the thought of putting my kid(s) in daycare?  What sort of work is worth it to not spend my time directly caring for my kid(s)?

It is all very seriously confusing.  It's also a bit sad that I'm just now sitting down to do this.  I always thought that, at 31 years old, I would know what I wanted to do.  Or at least be enough of a grown up to suck it up and just find some kind of something to do.

That was a bit fatalist.  Sorry.

Through most of high school and college, I had a very definite idea of what my life would look like at this point, and where I am is nothing like what I imagined.  Which, to be very fair, is a really good thing.  But it does leave one a bit adrift.

And right now it all seems to have been brought to focus by the question of whether or not to retake the Bar Exam.  I probably will.  It makes some sense to do so, and it keeps my options open.  But that's part of the problem.  Being a grown up means making decisions and picking one path from the many to walk down, at least for the immediate moment.  And picking one path means you leave others behind.  That always makes me a bit sad.  I want to walk all the roads.  I just do.  Yet it seems that I am going to spend a bit longer stuck in the crossroads.

Take care, friends, and I'll write again soon.