It Happens Like This Sometimes

Today started with a tiny feeling, just behind my sternum.  It was little, so I tried to go for a run and burn it away.  It stayed.  I got a headache instead and had to stop and then I forgot to eat breakfast.  It happens like this sometimes, this feeling.

On the drive to work, it got worse.  It started growing, but my chest cavity was shrinking and now there’s a too big thing in my too small space and I don’t know if it will rupture.  So I’m very afraid.  Tense.  I’m not looking at people and it hurts to smile and the tears have been burning my eyes for minutes now but I can’t blink them away because I have to hold very still.  If I’m still and small I can outlast it and it will go away and I can be regular again.  Regular Marley, who smiles and laughs and knows this will come again and smiles and laughs harder because you have to while you still can.

 

It’s very hard not to cry, but I won’t cry because there isn’t a reason to.  There’s no good reason other than the little bits and bobs in my brain decided to have a shit day and spill it all over me.  But the thing in my chest is still too big and I am still too small and it makes things hurt.  It makes me hurt.  I hurt, and that is not a pleasant way to spend a day.

So I will hold still and small and wait until it passes and I can be regular again.  I am sorry if I am still and small to you today, but it’s how I have learned to manage.  I do not want to be like this, but I haven’t found any help that has worked.  I mean, other than being still and small.  I do not like it this way.  The help is almost as bad as the hurt, but only almost.

So I will hold still and small and wait until it passes and hope it passes and I can be regular again. 

It happens like this, sometimes.