This morning I told my brain to go to hell.

I'm not sure why I did it.  Maybe because the Olympics are on?  Maybe because I just finished Scott Jurek's book and wanted to see how far I could push myself?  Maybe just because I'm sick and tired of feeling like a bit of a failure?

Whatever the reason, this morning I did something amazing.  I really want to add qualifiers to that sentence, like "something amazing for me" or "you know, unless you're a real athlete."  But that shit is silly.  This morning, I hit it out of the fucking park.

My goal pace for the marathon is 12 min/mile.  So I had been running all of  my runs at that pace. In large part, I was doing this because I thought it was all I could do. I kept thinking that I had to take it easy because I'm fat and out of shape and lazy and there's no way I can go faster, at least not before the marathon.

And maybe (probably) come race day, my pace will be 12 min/mile.  But today I rocked that.  Every mile I ran was under 12:00.

Mile 1 - 11:08
Mile 2 - 11:26
Mile 3 - 11:05
Mile 4 - 10:32

HOLY SHIT.  I have not been that fast in a long time.  Like, a really long time.  I think 1L was the last time I could run that fast or faster.

I did it because I started this run assuming I could.  Still, I tried to stop myself.  I said I would just jog the first half of a mile.  When I turned the corner at my half-mile point, I kept jogging.  I kind of thought at that point that I would do the whole thing, but I was still trying to rein it in.  I said I'd just do the first mile.  Then I hit the turn-around at one mile in and I was still jogging.  That's when I knew that I was going to jog the whole four miles.

It wasn't exciting at the time, it was simply how it was going to go.  It was utterly calm.  It was only when I finished that I was pumping my fist in the air and raising my Powerade in a little salute to myself.

I'm kind of glad nobody was here to see me finish, because I cried a little bit.  It just felt so good to know I could do that.  I couldn't help it.

To be perfectly honest, this is the best thing that has happened to me in months.  I'm still kind of crying a bit.

So to my brain, the great doubter, the mocking asshole telling me I can't, and to a lifetime of self-hatred and frustration, I would like to say, "Go fuck yourself."  It's the little moments like this when I can finally ball up all the negative shit I carry around and flip it off.

It's awesome.  But for now, farewell!  I'll write again soon.

Meowfully yours,
Marley