Sometimes, I'm a bit slow on the uptake. For example, it took me until today to realize why failing the Texas bar exam may actually have been a Very Good Thing. To whit: It has forced me to stop and take a serious look at what the heck I want to do with my life.
I touched on this a bit the last time I wrote, which I know is now quite some time ago. But I've been really digging into it lately. When one spends all day having one-sided conversations with a 7-month old, one tends to get a bit introspective. I feel very much like I'm tired of just drifting along. I want some kind of purpose, or at least a list of goals. I want something to work towards; I just needed to figure out what that would be.
To be fair, just drifting along has been very very good to me. It has landed me the perfect husband, the world's most amazing baby, and three cats that don't always misbehave. I've traveled outside the U.S., run multiple marathons, saved Illinois high school mock trial, and done no small amount of good in the world. But currently, I've been feeling a bit... aimless.
Had I passed the bar exam, I probably would have just taken the first attorney gig that came my way. I would have done an acceptable job, but nothing to write home about. Unless I am really excited about something, I usually won't care enough to really invest myself in it. Then, I would have given it up without any sorrow when we moved away from this town and started the whole process over again, without ever really thinking about what I really want to do.
So what do I want to do? I want someone to pay me to do mock trial. Maybe I get a job teaching at some college and they pay me to coach their mock trial team. Maybe I get a job as the Director of Advocacy at some law school and I run their Trial Ad programs. Maybe I get a job running a state's high school mock trial program. Maybe I get a job running a national moot court competition.
I would jump at the chance to do any of those things. And I would be really freaking good at any of those things. Being away from mock trial has taught me that I need mock trial in my life. And teaching LSAT classes has reminded me of how much I adore teaching. I mean, seriously, the above list pretty much outlines my dream jobs.
Thus I have accomplished Step One in the Process of Realizing Your Dreams: Identify your dreams and write them down. It sounds much less inspirational when you get all business-like with it, but it does help the transition to reality proceed a bit more apace.
Now I just have to go about figuring out what Step Two is. If anyone has any tips, I would be more than happy to hear them...
Until next time, my friends. Take care, and I'll write again soon.
Friday, May 29, 2015
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
An Inglorious Return To Running
I have been waiting to get back into running basically since I finished giving birth. I don't know why it's taken me so long, but I have recently done the first two runs in a 5k training program. It is an immersive zombie adventure 5k training program, so it's a double bonus win! However, running after having a baby is in many ways a completely different activity from running before having a baby. As such, I have taken some of my major insights and listed them out.
1. All my sports bras are woefully inadequate
This tops the list as it's both one of the first changes I noticed and one of the most drastic changes. "Pump or nurse before you run," they said. "It'll be fine," they said. THEY LIED. There was way too much motion and so far nothing seems to contain it. Seriously, how do busty women deal with this? I'm not even that busty, even with mom boobs, and I still am having trouble dealing. Plus, sports bras are expensive so getting new ones is going to be a financial pain. Seriously. This is not cool.
2. Jogging strollers are awesome
My mother, despite any flaws she may have, is the most amazing person in the world for buying us a totally pimp jogging stroller. It may be the greatest baby accessory ever. It takes curbs like a beast and rolls smoothly even through the more deeply graveled parts of the jogging path I've been using. It is seriously amazing how much of a difference it makes in running with a baby to have the right stroller.
3. Running with a jogging stroller, no matter how pimp it is, is really hard
You're pushing a good 50-60 extra pounds in front of you with every step you take. Granted, those pounds are on well-oiled rugged wheels designed for beach/trail/whatever. But still, that is a lot of extra weight. Besides the stroller itself, you have the baby and all their gear, plus any water and/or carbs you may want to have. On the plus side, if I ever get the chance to run without the baby, it is going to be a breeze!
4. You suddenly have to pack before you run
Before, I would put my keys and phone in a pocket and head out the door. If it was a long run, I'd bring some water and a few chewy electrolyte calorie replacer thingies. Now, there's a whole diaper bag involved. Not to mention dressing the tiny human properly and incorporating sunscreen (for both of us!) and making sure you have enough toys that can be secured to the stroller and also amuse him for about 40 minutes of not having face-to-face Mommy Time. It. Is. A. Lot.
5. Running is no longer a luxury
It sounds counterintuitive, but it's true. This is the time when, more than ever, I need some sort of physical exercise. It helps drop the baby weight; it's an amazing stress release; it gets me out of the house; it allows me to set goals that are for me (and only me and have nothing to do with the baby).
Speaking of goals, I have a new running goal. I want to run an ultramarathon. That sounds really impressive, but it's really just any race longer than marathon distance (26.2 miles). So a 50k (about 31 miles) counts. However, being the nutter that I am, I would really like to do a 50 mile race. I've been looking into the training and trying to find a good goal race, so we'll see how this shapes up. But it's something I've wanted to do for a while, and I figure it's a good way to motivate me to really dig in now that I'm back in the game.
Then again, if the Pumpkin continues to insist on letting me get only 3-4 hours of sleep each night, this may not happen any time soon.
*sigh*
Take care, friends, and I'll write again soon!
1. All my sports bras are woefully inadequate
This tops the list as it's both one of the first changes I noticed and one of the most drastic changes. "Pump or nurse before you run," they said. "It'll be fine," they said. THEY LIED. There was way too much motion and so far nothing seems to contain it. Seriously, how do busty women deal with this? I'm not even that busty, even with mom boobs, and I still am having trouble dealing. Plus, sports bras are expensive so getting new ones is going to be a financial pain. Seriously. This is not cool.
2. Jogging strollers are awesome
My mother, despite any flaws she may have, is the most amazing person in the world for buying us a totally pimp jogging stroller. It may be the greatest baby accessory ever. It takes curbs like a beast and rolls smoothly even through the more deeply graveled parts of the jogging path I've been using. It is seriously amazing how much of a difference it makes in running with a baby to have the right stroller.
3. Running with a jogging stroller, no matter how pimp it is, is really hard
You're pushing a good 50-60 extra pounds in front of you with every step you take. Granted, those pounds are on well-oiled rugged wheels designed for beach/trail/whatever. But still, that is a lot of extra weight. Besides the stroller itself, you have the baby and all their gear, plus any water and/or carbs you may want to have. On the plus side, if I ever get the chance to run without the baby, it is going to be a breeze!
4. You suddenly have to pack before you run
Before, I would put my keys and phone in a pocket and head out the door. If it was a long run, I'd bring some water and a few chewy electrolyte calorie replacer thingies. Now, there's a whole diaper bag involved. Not to mention dressing the tiny human properly and incorporating sunscreen (for both of us!) and making sure you have enough toys that can be secured to the stroller and also amuse him for about 40 minutes of not having face-to-face Mommy Time. It. Is. A. Lot.
5. Running is no longer a luxury
It sounds counterintuitive, but it's true. This is the time when, more than ever, I need some sort of physical exercise. It helps drop the baby weight; it's an amazing stress release; it gets me out of the house; it allows me to set goals that are for me (and only me and have nothing to do with the baby).
Speaking of goals, I have a new running goal. I want to run an ultramarathon. That sounds really impressive, but it's really just any race longer than marathon distance (26.2 miles). So a 50k (about 31 miles) counts. However, being the nutter that I am, I would really like to do a 50 mile race. I've been looking into the training and trying to find a good goal race, so we'll see how this shapes up. But it's something I've wanted to do for a while, and I figure it's a good way to motivate me to really dig in now that I'm back in the game.
Then again, if the Pumpkin continues to insist on letting me get only 3-4 hours of sleep each night, this may not happen any time soon.
*sigh*
Take care, friends, and I'll write again soon!
Saturday, May 2, 2015
Yup, Failed the Bar Exam. And?
On Wednesday I got my results from the Bar Exam. I did not pass. I needed a scaled score of 675 to pass, and I got 667. So close, which kind of makes it suck even more. Sadly, I was sort of expecting that result. It was not the fault of my bar study program, or any lack of desire on my part to pass. It was more the fact that I was trying to study while dealing with a full-time job, and a baby who decided not to sleep through the night, and also still doing all my every-people stuff, like getting groceries and cooking dinner and doing laundry and every once in a while thinking about cleaning some part of my house.
At the end of the day, for what may be the first time ever, I had simply bitten off more than I could chew. That was a new thing for me. And, of course, it now leads me to the question of what I should do next. By which I mean, do I retake the Bar Exam?
I've actually been thinking about it far more than I thought I would. Mostly because of a conversation I had with Paul a week or so ago. He asked me, in a throw-away question kind of way, how long I wanted to be a stay at home mom. It wasn't a conversation of any particular depth, just one of many rushed moments when we could talk to each other without the baby awake. Neither of us appreciates those enough or works hard enough at cultivating them. I didn't think too much of the question right then and there.
Maybe an hour later, though, I thought of it again. Since then it's been rattling around in my head and I can't get it out. Because I don't know the answer. Trying to figure out how long I want to be a stay at home mom is like asking me to write out a detailed plan for "What I Want To Do With The Rest Of My Life", in 5 pages or less. Single spaced, with size 12 Times New Roman font. It's kind of an impossible question to answer, but here I am with my brain all abuzz trying to do just that.
Before I can even start on an answer to the question that was actually asked, there are several equally difficult preliminary questions that must be answered. How many kids do we want to have? What kind of career am I really interested in pursuing? Can I handle the bizarre guilt I feel at the thought of putting my kid(s) in daycare? What sort of work is worth it to not spend my time directly caring for my kid(s)?
It is all very seriously confusing. It's also a bit sad that I'm just now sitting down to do this. I always thought that, at 31 years old, I would know what I wanted to do. Or at least be enough of a grown up to suck it up and just find some kind of something to do.
That was a bit fatalist. Sorry.
Through most of high school and college, I had a very definite idea of what my life would look like at this point, and where I am is nothing like what I imagined. Which, to be very fair, is a really good thing. But it does leave one a bit adrift.
And right now it all seems to have been brought to focus by the question of whether or not to retake the Bar Exam. I probably will. It makes some sense to do so, and it keeps my options open. But that's part of the problem. Being a grown up means making decisions and picking one path from the many to walk down, at least for the immediate moment. And picking one path means you leave others behind. That always makes me a bit sad. I want to walk all the roads. I just do. Yet it seems that I am going to spend a bit longer stuck in the crossroads.
Take care, friends, and I'll write again soon.
At the end of the day, for what may be the first time ever, I had simply bitten off more than I could chew. That was a new thing for me. And, of course, it now leads me to the question of what I should do next. By which I mean, do I retake the Bar Exam?
I've actually been thinking about it far more than I thought I would. Mostly because of a conversation I had with Paul a week or so ago. He asked me, in a throw-away question kind of way, how long I wanted to be a stay at home mom. It wasn't a conversation of any particular depth, just one of many rushed moments when we could talk to each other without the baby awake. Neither of us appreciates those enough or works hard enough at cultivating them. I didn't think too much of the question right then and there.
Maybe an hour later, though, I thought of it again. Since then it's been rattling around in my head and I can't get it out. Because I don't know the answer. Trying to figure out how long I want to be a stay at home mom is like asking me to write out a detailed plan for "What I Want To Do With The Rest Of My Life", in 5 pages or less. Single spaced, with size 12 Times New Roman font. It's kind of an impossible question to answer, but here I am with my brain all abuzz trying to do just that.
Before I can even start on an answer to the question that was actually asked, there are several equally difficult preliminary questions that must be answered. How many kids do we want to have? What kind of career am I really interested in pursuing? Can I handle the bizarre guilt I feel at the thought of putting my kid(s) in daycare? What sort of work is worth it to not spend my time directly caring for my kid(s)?
It is all very seriously confusing. It's also a bit sad that I'm just now sitting down to do this. I always thought that, at 31 years old, I would know what I wanted to do. Or at least be enough of a grown up to suck it up and just find some kind of something to do.
That was a bit fatalist. Sorry.
Through most of high school and college, I had a very definite idea of what my life would look like at this point, and where I am is nothing like what I imagined. Which, to be very fair, is a really good thing. But it does leave one a bit adrift.
And right now it all seems to have been brought to focus by the question of whether or not to retake the Bar Exam. I probably will. It makes some sense to do so, and it keeps my options open. But that's part of the problem. Being a grown up means making decisions and picking one path from the many to walk down, at least for the immediate moment. And picking one path means you leave others behind. That always makes me a bit sad. I want to walk all the roads. I just do. Yet it seems that I am going to spend a bit longer stuck in the crossroads.
Take care, friends, and I'll write again soon.
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